i am NOT the department of labor

dear unemployed people,
do me a favor. go get the phone book you use and look for when it was published. is it up to date? or is it more than ten years old? if you answered yes to the latter then THROW IT THE FUCK OUT. i don't know if you realize but sometimes this crazy thing happens to businesses-- they move and change their phone numbers. so try to remember that next time you call me in an effort to contact the department of labor. and just so you know, the more you call me the less likely i am to be the DOL. SO STOP CALLING ME.
love, tina

p.s. who the hell uses a phone book anymore? it's called the internet jackass.

can you find me in the DOL office pictured above?

this morning i was awakened by my phone. even though i didn't recognize the number, i answered it anyway because sometimes my family calls me from overseas and since they use a calling card the number is different each time. unfortunately, the man on the other line was not my uncle but another poor sap calling me to seek career services. here's how the call went down:

me: hello?
idiot: yeah um i wanted to talk to you guys about my hearing...
me: i'm sorry this is a cell phone. i don't think i can help you.
idiot: well a cell phone is the only phone i have.
me: no i mean, i'm just a student. you have to call someone else.
idiot: well i'm supposed to be there at...
me: you have the wrong number.
idiot: this is the only number i have.
me: who are you trying to reach?
idiot: the department of labor
me: yeah, that's not me.
idiot: on french landing drive in nashville. i just need to...
me: i can't help you.

i wish i could tell you it ended there but this man couldn't seem to grasp that there was nothing i could do for him. it was like he was expecting me to help him anyway. he kept asking me questions and telling me about his problem. i wanted to scream, "THIS is why you are unemployed, sir, because you clearly have some sort of mental deficiency." instead i tried to refer him to the DOL's website-- another concept he apparently couldn't grasp. i actually had to hang up on him.

this has been going on for more than five years and i know it's not going to stop so i now have the department of labor's actual phone number saved on my phone.

i don't believe in karma

yeah fuck it. karma is bullshit. it's common knowledge amongst those close to me that sometimes i steal cheap things that no one will miss (not even that often! like once in a blue moon!) like stickers, magazine pages, doughnuts, etc.
i was at a gas station that had krispy kreme doughnuts, which i can't resist, so i grab one and when i look at the counter i see there is no one there. the only people there work at the mcdonald's that is also inside the gas station and they can't see me. the first thought in my cleptomaniac brain is "awesome. i am going to take this. for free." but then i started thinking.

you know that nagging voice in your head that butts in and stops you from having fun? what is it called? your conscience. a while ago danny told me stealing was bad karma and as i stood there doughnut in hand, preparing to make my hasty exit, i was reminded of his words. i decided to wait for the cashier to get back to purchase my doughnut. once the cashier got there i decided to buy a scratch off lottery ticket too to cash in on some of the karma credit i thought i had collected by not stealing. to be honest i wasn't really expecting much but i couldn't help feeling sort of excited as i sat in my car scratching my ticket expectantly. bagel. i didn't win anything.

i felt a little bit silly but i didn't make a big deal out of it. "okay," I thought, "karma doesn't work that way."

so i got out of my car to throw the ticket away and, as i made my way back to my car, i slipped in a puddle of oil left behind by another car, landing on my knee on the asphalt, ripping my jeans. when i looked at my knee i saw that i had scraped the skin off and it was bleeding. AND ON TOP OF THAT a guy in his car was laughing at me because i clearly looked like a total jackass.some might say it is childish of me to disavow karma based on an isolated incident. they can s on my d. i've seen too many bad things happen to good people while assholes run around getting what they want.

maybe i am overeacting! i don't know! all i know is my knee fucking hurts.