what fresh hell is this?

when we got to the farm, the absolute terror on my mom's friend's face was priceless. her eyes widened to the size of saucers when she saw this old man slowly shuffling out of his decaying house, waving. say hello to your future husband!

she knew he was an older man but she didn't realize how old. looking around the land, i saw it was exactly what i thought it would be: the battered remains of what once was a semi-nice farm.

when we went inside, our friend went pale like she was going to pass out. newspapers were strewn all over the floor and all the furniture was covered in quilts. i don't think i'm a particularly picky or needy person but i was literally sick to my stomach at the thought of staying here. it smelled like mothballs.

yes, that is a picture of george and laura bush placed lovingly amongst photos of his family.

luckily i wasn't the only person who felt that way. my mom stealthily snuck outside to call the hotel while her friend and i distracted the old man. they still had our room available and thankfully we were able to rebook it.

i believe this is where the bodies are kept. notice the meat hooks.

we told him that we were unable to cancel our hotel reservation because it was such short notice and, although we'd love to stay with him, we just couldn't but we would definitely spend time with him. he bought it. THANK GOD.

he showed us around his land and gave us lunch, which i was hesitant to eat for fear it may be poisoned. basically he rents out blocks of his land to red necks, effectively creating one of the world's most terrifying trailer parks. to be honest, he was actually a very nice man but the best way to characterize him is OLD. he embodies ever old person stereotype you could think of, including the long speeches about days gone by.

i made this ketchup and mustard masterpiece during one of his sermons.

his stories were kind of interesting (he was taken prisoner during the islamic revolution) but he kept going on tangents so his stories were almost impossible to follow. i think my brain would have melted if we ended up spending the night with him.

reporting to you live from the most boring place on earth

we're getting closer the our destination and things are not looking better. my mom's friend can tell i'm not very happy about staying on her boyfriend's pathetic excuse for a farm so she keeps saying things like "at least it'll be an adventure!" or "this will be an experience for you!" and of course, "we're making memories!" i like her a lot but i've had to employ a great deal of will power and restraint to avoid breaking my foot off in her ass.

THIS IS NOT A MOVIE. i am not a city slicker (like let's say, renee zellweger) moving to some backwater town where i will meet and fall in love with a folksy yet lovable local (perhaps harry connick jr). this will not end in a lesson learned.
correction: there is a lesson in this. next time someone offers to take me to florida, I'M FUCKING GOING.

i could have gone to florida...

this whole summer i've been craving the beach or a trip of any kind, really, to a fun vacation spot. a family friend offered to take me to Florida with her kids but i turned it down because we had a guest coming from California and we already had plans to go to Gatlinburg. it seems crazy to turn down Florida for Gatlinburg but i felt bad leaving my mom. plus we'd reserved a room at a hotel by Dollywood so at least there'd be a pool and possible fun times to be had, right?
FUCKING WRONG.

i can has beach tiems plz?

i guess i should make it clear that the whole reason we were going to Gatlinburg was so that this lady could meet some guy she might possibly marry. he lives in White Pine which is about an hour away.

while we were eating breakfast this morning at Breugger's (everything bagels with cream cheese are my reason for living) her potential fiance calls us to say: forget the hotel, come stay with me on my FUCKING FARM.

what's wrong with a farm? nothing. the idea of hanging out on a really nice ranch where i can see animals and do fun farm stuff (whatever that is) doesn't sound bad at all but that's just it; there is nothing on this farm. i don't even think you can call it that anymore. it is the empty shell of what once was a farm. it is to farms what humans are to zombies. i'm going to spend three day on a zombie farm.

i imagine mr. future husband looks something like this.

but i guess i owe this lady. she bought me two pairs of pants.

technically, i haven't seen the farm yet, just heard about it. i'm writing this as we drive so maybe it won't be so bad. i'll keep you posted.

i just wanted some god damn chocolate cake

and wifi. is that so much to ask? apparently it is. i looked up free wifi hotspots and cross referenced that with places that would serve cake. i went to mccallister's. they had turtle cake in the biggest slices i've ever seen. i don't need a tower of cake. just a modest slice of delicous and rich chocolate.

i'm at panera now eating a brownie. i guess you can't always get what you want.

don't stop 'til you get enough

i know i already wrote about Michael Jackson but he's still on my mind, probably because the news and every other channel has yet to stop talking about his life. i don't mind it. actually, it's been making me feel very nostalgic so i spent some time looking back at his old music videos. to this day i think they are some of the best videos ever made. Jackson set the precedent for everyone after him. if it wasn't for him, music videos would probably still comprise of musicians dancing in bad lighting in front of disco balls (watch Gloria by Laura Branigan for reference). i remember watching satellite TV in Iran where some channels would spend days just marathoning his videos. this meant i only left the television when i was dragged away from it. to be honest, i think Michael Jackson had a hand in shaping who i am now and what i'm interested in (cartoons had a supporting role). so i've listed a few of my favorite MJ videos and what they taught me.

Billie Jean

a sneaky photographer follows Michael around, trying to catch him in compromising positions. also, it showcases Jackson's ability to create electricity with the flick of a toe.

lesson learned: Michael is MAGIC. furthermore, BITCH he ain't yo baby daddy!

Beat It

Freddy Mercury and George Michael are rival gang leaders who get into a dangerous yet graceful knife fight. Michael Jackson steps in before someone gets hurt.

lesson learned: good choreography settles all disputes.

Thriller

the music video so epic, it came with a disclaimer. lasting over thirteen minutes, it combines two of my favorite movie genres--horror and musicals.

lesson learned: ......i still can't get through the first two minutes without shitting my pants.

Say Say Say with Paul McCartney

Paul McCartney and MJ scam town members (most of whom are old as hell) for money that they then use to fund their back alley orphanage.

lesson learned: the elderly are easily swindled.

Leave Me Alone

the video tours a Michael Jackson theme park where the only patron is Michael Jackson. yes, in case you were wondering, that is a bust of Elizabeth Taylor.

lesson learned: LEAVE MICHAEL ALONE

Black or White

Macaulay Culkin uses the power of his guitar to blast his father (the guy from Cheers) across the Earth where he learns about other cultures by watching Michael Jackson dance. in the end it turns out Michael is an animorph. he wrecks racist shit. awesome.

lesson learned: Macaulay Culkin is one hell of a rapper. oh yeah and racial discrimination is wrong.

this ended up being longer than i intended. i guess the moral of the story is: i love all of Michael Jackson's music videos. go watch them. all of them are incredibly entertaining. here are a few others to note:
Jam- MJ teaches the other MJ (Michael Jordan) to dance and in return learns basketball.
Remember the Time- pharaoh Eddie Murphy's wife is promiscuous and Michael has Alex Mack powers
Earth Song- what have we done to the world?
Bad- watch your mouth, Michael has a gang.
Smooth Criminal- straight up gangsta shit. children, avert your eyes.